Ok, so I haven't updated in ages. mainly because life has been chaotic.

We had our big design review at Disneyland to present our project to a bunch of the Imagineers and DL engineers.  It went swimmingly well, due in no small part to the whole team working their butts off, and Amber and I slacking off on school and pulling really late nights to get the presentation and design documents ready.  We answered all of their technical questions, and only got one thing to "fix" on the powerpoint (which, ironically, was something we had fixed previously that was "unfixed" by an adament team member).  So basically, it was the best thing ever, Pat (our advisor) was impressed, Rajesh was impressed, all Pat's friends were impressed (which makes him look good, which makes us happy since he is amazing).

After the DR we got to go to the DL hotel and spend the afternoon there.  Katie, Amber, Derek, Nate and I quickly threw on our swimsuits and ran down to the amazing pool, where we proceeded to join a plethora of 4-8 year olds on the slides and then play kiddie games in the pool for several hours.  It was pretty much the best thing ever, and I haven't had that much fun swimming since Mike and I used to do water shows at my aunt's pool when we were little.  We all chunked over to Downtown Disney for dinner and shopping.  Amber and I bought these little bath goodie bags at Basin that were full of treats (like pink pirate soap, castle soap and oodles of bath bombs).  I ate some pizza, shopped around with my friend Liz (who is on Co-op in orange county and drove over to hang out with us) and we went to watch the fireworks from the Paradise Pier hotel, where they piped in the music.  This was the perfect conclusion to a glorious day... watching amazing fireworks with the man I love and one of my close friends after an amazing design review...oh yeah.

We went to rainforest for dessert and got a Volcano (basically chocolate cake, ice cream, hot fudge, and whipped cream with this sparkly thing sticking out of it), it was amazing.  As soon as we got back to the hotel we had cookies from the "executive office", chocolate-covered mickey heads with milk, plus turn-down shortbread cookies and milk.  We all hung out with the guys for a while and watched the Disney propaganda on TV.  I proclaimed that I needed to join Disney Vacation Club ( for a mere ~$20k) and Katie said that I would have amazing family vacations (yes, I will!)  We finally turned off the lights and noticed that the pixie dust on the wallpaper was glow in the dark!  I absolutely love all these Disney touches.  In short, Disneyland Hotel is amazing, although I don't know if I'd be willing to cough up $300 a night to stay there...

The next morning was our backstage tour, all of which is proprietary so I can't post anything here... it was cool though, but I was really tired.  On the way home we stopped at American Girl Place, which was fun of course and I had a slight meltdown (ok a MAJOR meltdown) involving the lack of coffee lids at Fuddruckers (a burger place, where I thought I could get coffee).

I want to update more including the spring break escapades (read: the new Shamu show bites the big one, but San Diego is full of amazing snob food) but I should sleep now as it is 1 AM and I have class at 8.

im in big trouble, mister...

Yes! I think I finally figured it out, at least as far as school goes:

Fall 2006-Spring 2007: School it up, prereqs, USCP, GWR
Summer 2007: Internship
December 2007: BS Biomedical Engineering
Jan-June 208: Start working on the MS
Summer 2008: Internship/Wicked Cool Vacation
December 2008: MS Indusrial Engineering
Jan 2009: Find a careeer

Darn it, that is a LOT to do in three yers. And I will be old by the time I get a real job, argh! Don't worry, I'm sure this plan will change again by tomorrow.

In "Prep", Lee, the proagonist argues that she thinks high school sweethearts who go on to get married are lucky, because they understand what each other were like in their awkward adolescent years. Upon reading this deliciously poignant book (which I highly recommend to everyone, especially those of you who have been exposed to the prep school or otherwise spoiled circuits), I couldn't help but wonder if maybe she was right. Would it be nice to have someone who understood you in your entirety?

While I have reconciled with the awkward braces and glasses days of middle school, the dateless formals of high school, grey pleated skirts and not-so-banded-waist oxfords coupled with lady bug knee socks, I don't know that I would want my man to have full knowledge of all these phases of life. Sure, I'm more than happy to share them with him, but isn't it easier if he doesn't fully understand it? I kind of like having a part of my life that was fully my own (albeit shared generously with friends).

If high school sweethearts have shared the entire evolution from pre-pubescene to adulthood together they are linked incredibly deeply. This linkage makes it nearly impossible for them to separate, even when one (or both) parties know that's in their best interest. It's almost as if they are parts of a whole, instead of being compliments to each other. I'm not denying the power of this intensely close bond, just wondering how many h.s. sweeties feel so attached and engrossed in each other that they (maybe) feel incapable of existing alone.

I kind of like the idea of meeting someone and starting fresh. Being my 20-something self, with nothing to hide, but no need to expose my whole past - at least not right away. Granted, there are a few skeletons in my closet, and I will never fully be able to get rid of them, but right now they are tucked away pretty neatly in a locked box, where they pretty much keep to themselves. It would have been nice to meet "mr. right" the first time, and not have to worry about a plethora of old relationships, flings, and the like; but where's the adventure in that?

Engagements have been a common theme in the recent past, it seems like loads of people are already driving down the road to matrimony (loads being a whopping THREE couples, none of whom I am very close to, but still). I'm not even going to pretend like I am remotely ready to get married. I still have loads to do before I even consider that, like travelling, getting a few degrees, getting a well-paying job, and falling madly in love with my future puppy.

But sometimes, I can't help but wonder if, for once, I am behind the learning curve - if everyone else is "ready" to get married, and I can't even find someone worthy of the L-bomb, am I doing something wrong? Carrie Bradshaw would argue that I am cultivating my relationship with myself, I agree... Lately, it seems like whenever I am not trying to endeavor into the world of messy relatinships, everything is just easier and, maybe even a little more fun. Being able to take care of myself isnt that bad, now all I need is a puppy to snuggle up to at the end of the day (but that's where Winston comes in).

I HATE housing in SLO. Yet again, I have been screwed over by a lying landlord... Yep, so here goes housing search # 4 in less than a year and a half :)

My whole life people have been telling me that I need to be able to take care of myself, after all, you can't count on anyone else to take care of you. So, being ever obedient I look for a job that will ensure that I am capable of financial independence, I develop my own activities and interests, I learn to manage on my own, and I do all of this quite well (at least in my opinion).

Then today, it hits me, no matter how good I am at taking care of myself, paying my own bills, being on time, getting good performance reviews, etc. it's all useless if I have nobody to share it with. Yes, I'm capable of getting by on my own, even finding copious amounts of success, but at the end of the day you want somebody who will share in your success, your trials, your adventures and more. So, no matter how strong I am, I will still struggle with being happy unless I am validated in someway or another, by someone who legitimately cares.

Meanwhile, society tells men to avoid overachiever women, because men want to feel like the providers. This is completely illogical, because even if I had no money, I would rather have someone to take care of me than a house. So basically, no matter how much I have or achieve, unless I have someone cool to share it with, its pretty meaningful. All these guys out here are looking for someone to "provide for" and not realizing that they can provide for someone who can also provide for them, a cooperative relationship in which both parties benefit - now there's a novel idea!

Don't get me wrong, this isn't some "I need a man" moment, its more of a "I need some tight friends" moments. Unconditional friends can provide just as much, if not more comfort, than any boyfriend; sure some of the benefits are missing, but there are other means of dealing with that sort of shortcoming.

So, I think I am finally over my father's inappropriate and rude comment of last week. I'm not going to say it didnt affect me, or that I can erase it from my memory, because when your parent tells you that you are "hard to deal with" and that you will "never get a man", its kind of tough to deal with, but I can finally step back and realize that its his problem. He shouldn't be taking out his own relationship issues on me, but then again he doesnt remember how to microwave water to make tea, so obviously he's not all there mentally.

This being said, I am making great strides, and finally starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Yep, I have eight weeks of school left & they will be hard, but whatever. The guy issues that have been scathing me so much recently have finally somewhat subsided (or at least temporarily calmed down). I don't know if I'll ever be completely cool with everything, but I'm starting to realize that that's okay, because I can at least deal with everything (which is progress). I have lots of wonderful friends, and even though some of them may have drifted apart, others are getting closer by the day. Driving home tonight, I couldn't help but notice the bright moon, in an otherwise dark and cloudy sky and be reminded of those fabulous days in the south pacific that started about a year ago. That trip afforded me with so much more than I can even begin to explain, a sense of self, independence, adventure, new friends, fabulous memories, and lots of knowledge. I could go on for an hour about everything I learned, and how it changed my life, but I've already done that so many times, I think I would be better served spending that time looking for another fabulous adventure to add to my mind's collection of amazing events.

Once upon a time there was a little girl who fell madly in love with skating, skating offered her the perfect relationship. Sure it had its ups and downs, moments when she felt like she couldn't handle it another moment, days when it seemed to tear her to pieces, euphoric moments, scary moments, and lots of great memories. This first relationship taught her the value of commitment, and from the day she first slipped her feet into her leather boots she knew that this was the kind of relationship she would always want. Sure it was cold at times, it even left her with an aching heart on many occasions, but it was her first love, and one she would never forget.

Fast forward 10 years, the little girl who was raised on a strict diet of commitment; what does she look for in a relationship? The same thing she's always looked for. Someone who need passion, commitment, and love, a relationship that will inevitably require a great deal of work, but which will enable her to reap the rewards of her labor. This commitment has been imbued into all aspects of her life, its why she can't manage to skip class, won't skip seemingly pointless meetings to attend to more itneresting matters, and its why she can't just have a fling (well, maybe thats not entirely true).

This brings me to my latest pondering: are the relationships we look for a reflection of the ambitions and traits we were raised with? America is a land of "getting by", this includes halfway participating in activities, backing out of commitments, and looking out for yourself on a regular basis; are those who were raised with this lack of responsibility really going to desire a relationship that requires accountability and a firm commitment? Our divorce rates are high, which is no wonder given the circumstances. So yeah, commitment is a lot of hard work, and its only worth it if you truly love what you are commited to, but the end result is a worthwhile relationship, something you can be proud of at the end of the day, which is a lot more than most people are getting out of "flings" with activities or people. Afterall, trying something out for a week is a lot of fun, but you don't really start to appreciate the activity (or person) and learn from it until you have put a little more effort and love into it.

After spending spring break in Las Vegas, I feel it is only fit to write yet another entry about gambling, with money, in life and, of course, in love.

Over 30 million tourists flock to Las Vegas each year with the hopes of hitting it big. 142,000 hotel rooms play host to these visitors, striving to meet their every whim by offering dazzling fountain shows, circus acts, desert themed shopping, gourmet restaurants, comps, and much more. With all of this money being poured into the casinos, one can't help but wonder just how well they are making out. New casinos are constantaly being built, each one upping the ante. In a town, where exponential growth is even more common than Elvis impersonators one can't help but wonder, just how much are the gamblers donating to fund all this? And if gambling really does yield such great losses, why do we still partake?

Most people go to Las Vegas to "get rich quick", but in reality almost nobody hits the jackpot. Sure there are little hits, just enough to keep you inspired to keep going; but in the vast majority of cases the gambler winds up losing - after all, the house always wins. So, if we know the odds are stacked against us, what keeps us coming back? Where does the eternal hope come from?

Like gambling with money, relationships require a gamble with the heart. If you want to hit it big, you have to be willing to wager a lot. A small bet will yield only a minor reward if you win, but will also protect you from losing too much. Penny slots, for example are no fun, because even a "jackpot" is insignificant, but just how much of a commitment is required for a gamble to be worthwhile?

Sometimes we win a little, but even when we're ahead we can't help but think about how something could be better. We look to other potentially better options, and debate how probable they are, before deciding if we are willing to settle, or if we want to take a risk on the better option (and even if we attain the better option, we will still want more). So what do we do? When we're ahead by a little should we take the money and run, or should we wait to see if something better comes along? I guess it just depends on how much we're willing to risk. I guess its all in good fun, as long as we never risk more than we can afford to lose.

After having a few downer days, wondering why I fell for the one who couldn't love me, why I loved the one who could easily stop loving me, and why I care about the one who can't love anyone, I began to realize that I am spending way too much time worrying about men. Almost all single women do, its in our genes, in fact I'm willing to bet most married/coupled women are guilty of the same charge. Basically, I've been lamenting the fact that I am "unlovable", even though I know it isn't true, since I have a lot of good stuff going for me. I'm just getting sick and tired of everyone giving me the hairy eyeball when they find out I'm an engineer, okay not everyone but everyone who's not an engineer or science major (or a CMA "deckie"). It's like they think I'm from a planet, yes I'll admit engineers think about weird stuff, but we should be glad that they do, just like we're glad doctors know a lot about weird diseases and bacteria and stuff.

Anyways, after lots of deliberation and feeling unloved, I finally figured out what the problem was. The problem is not that I am unloved, its that I don't have anyone to love. At first glance this seems like the same problem (yet another single girl looking for a man to solve her every problem), but its not. Being a caring, compassionate person has its benefits but it also has its challenges. When I don't have someone to watch out for, I feel lost, like I'm not doing my part. This is why I have taken so fondly to many of the young men in my life (including a nice little westie, who happened to be in need of a home a few years back), and to many of my girlfriends. I love caring about people, listening to their issues and offering advice (when its wanted), and I feel like I haven't been able to do that as much as I'd like recently.

Hopefully now that I know what I want (I think) I will be able to figure some of this stuff out and move forward.